does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was born a porn star she said
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize