If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
