If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
