I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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