i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
