I'm really into asian looking animals
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
