the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize