I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
