My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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