i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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