Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
