I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
