Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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