Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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