420 ftw
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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