It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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