at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
