just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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