help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Actions speak louder than pants.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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