when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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