If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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