I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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