i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
