Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it because I queefed?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
