it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
