we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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