dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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