her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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