I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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