So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
