Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
