I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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