I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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