When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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