so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
