Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
