I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
smell my finger.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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