Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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