I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
