You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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