Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
