I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize