So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
