you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
