just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
