Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
