does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
