Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
