i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
