My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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