my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
