I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
