why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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