Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
