I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
