so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
